So…Why didn’t I leave him sooner?

This is the question that victims of Domestic Violence are asked repeatedly. It comes in different forms:
“Why didn’t you leave him sooner?”,
“Why did you stay with him for so long?”,
“Why did you have children with him?”,
“He couldn’t have been that bad if you stayed married to him for 20 years.”

These question come from many different people. They come from well-meaning friends who you kept in the dark for years that can’t believe the strong and intelligent girl they knew years ago could ever find themselves in an abusive relationship. They come from the family members that love you but don’t understand how you could end up in this situation when you came from such a good family. They come from the people you meet that have never encountered an abusive individual and can’t understand how you couldn’t just walk away. And they come from the Flying Monkeys that want to victim blame and victim shame you into believing you are the problem.

Well, no one can fully understand why I stayed in my relationship with Vincent for nearly 8 years unless you’ve been in an abusive relationship yourself. I wonder myself why I didn’t run away from him sooner. I kept so many things hidden from my family and friends and I disillusioned myself into believing things weren’t as bad as they really were for years. What I’ve learned from many years of self introspection and therapy is that I’m a textbook empath and codependent. And, unfortunately, empaths and codependents are magnets for abusers, so that’s what got me into this mess in the first place.

But, why did I stay for so long? Well, there are a lot of factors and the thought of leaving was actually always there from the beginning, but I just couldn’t follow through. I just made excuses for his name-calling and the alienation from my friends and family. I started to justify the physical abuse Vincent would impose upon me if I violated his terms. Then came the feeling of wanting to believe him when he said he wouldn’t do it again and also wanting to believe that I was the only human being on this planet who could change him. Next came the shame and guilt of feeling stuck with this man I had chosen. And then came the fear that he would actually hurt me or kill me if I left him or gave up on him.

So, there isn’t a simple answer to the question. It’s very complicated. And the truth is, the first thing I really want to hear from people when they find out how awful Vincent was to me is “Good for you for being strong enough to get out of that relationship.”

So, if you’ve found the strength and courage to leave or cut out an abusive person in your life….GOOD FOR YOU!