Triggers

When you finally leave an abusive relationship, you will come to identify certain triggers that can bring back the feelings you had while in that toxic environment. Sometimes, they are relatively obvious like hearing yelling or screaming or watching a movie or tv show that depicts domestic violence. Even reading other people’s stories sometimes brings up memories that I’ve blacked out and can remind me of the years I wasted with Vincent. But, then there are other triggers that can seem so absurd to people that have never been in a controlling relationship with a narcissist.

One of my odd triggers is the thermostat. Vincent didn’t allow me to touch the thermostat in our house. He had it programmed to be higher during the day when we were at work and lower in the evenings, which is understandable. But if I stayed home one day or got cold in the evenings I couldn’t adjust the temperature in the house or he would fly off the deep end and go into a fit of rage. He would break dishes and tell me how wasteful and selfish I was to make the A/C work so hard during the hot hours of the day and spend all of our money. After a few of those episodes, I never touched the thermostat again. It was much more tolerable to sweat it out or freeze than to deal with his wrath. Perhaps his gaslighting worked and I truly believed I wasn’t worthy of being comfortable in my own home. It seems so absurd now, but at the time it was just par for the course.

When I filed for divorce, got an injunction and got sole use of the house, I adjusted the thermostat for the first time in years….and I cried. I sobbed, actually. I couldn’t believe how I had gotten to that point. How could I have let this man make me scared to adjust the temperature in my own house for so long?

Now, I’m remarried and Rick couldn’t care less if I make the house warmer or colder any time of day. But, every time I do (which is pretty much daily) I’m reminded of all the bullshit I went through with Vincent and how truly evil he was and the anxiety returns.